Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
