I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
