Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
