my soul wont recognize me after tonight
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
