i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
