remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
