Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
