I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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