I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
