I wannas sexs uuuuu
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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