You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize