I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
