I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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