I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
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You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
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Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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