I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
