You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
