this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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