ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
