theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
