I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
