Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
