I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
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