your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
