i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm always down for nudity.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
