she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
