No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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