I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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