My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
