my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
