We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
