well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
