i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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