i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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