I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
