After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
