yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
