i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
even my farts smell like vagina
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
