remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
