I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
