I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
