If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
