Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
