Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
