Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
