P.S. I can't hear my feet
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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