the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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