i just wanna soil my oats bro
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
