Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
we're so committed to being not committed
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
