Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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