oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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