I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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