my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
