you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
