thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
