I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
