I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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