Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
