worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
