Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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