I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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